I know I can't explain things clearly, and speaking is useless, still, I want to speak out. I'm a complete hypocrite, I admit I'm not a good girl, I'm a very very bad girl. About 3 years ago, Vice Premier Zhang Gaoli, you retired. You contacted me through Dr. Liu from Tianjin Tennis Center, and invited me to play tennis with you at Kang Ming Hotel in Beijing. When we finished playing tennis in the afternoon, you and your wife Kang Jie brought me to your house. Then brought me into your room, just like over 10 years ago in Tianjin, you wanted to have sex with me. That afternoon I was really scared, I never thought something like this would happen, with a person standing guard outside, because who will believe that your wife would permit it. 7 years ago we had a sexual relationship, after you were promoted to the Politburo Standing Committee, you never contacted me again. I had already buried everything inside my heart. Since you will never own up to it and take responsibility, then why did you come back searching for me, bringing me to your house to force me to have sex with you? I don't have any evidence, and it's not possible to leave any evidence. Afterwards you kept denying it, but indeed you were the one who liked me first, otherwise it's not possible for me to ever meet you. That afternoon I didn't consent and kept on crying. During dinner with you and your wife Madam Kang Jie, you said the universe is very very big, the earth is a speck of sand in the universe, and we, humans, are not even a speck of sand. You said a lot, much much more, the purpose was to get me to relax and drop my defenses. After dinner, I still didn't consent, you said you hated me! Then you said you never forgot me during those past 7 years, that you would treat me well, etc.... In my fear and panic, along with the old feelings I had for you 7 years ago, I agreed ... Yes, we had sex. Emotions are very complicated, it's not possible to explain clearly. From that day on, I once again opened my heart and started loving you. After spending time with you and getting to know you, you're a very very good person, and you treated me well. We talked about everything from modern history to ancient history, you would explain so many things to me, then continue discussing economics and philosophy, we had never ending conversations. We played chess, sang songs, played ping pong, billiards, and tennis, we could continue playing joyfully forever. Our personalities were so harmonious, we seemed compatible in every aspect. I left home at an early age, my heart was acutely lacking in love. Facing all that has happened, I never thought of myself as a good girl, I hate myself. Why did I have to be born into this world and experience all of this? You tell me that you love me, very very much. In the next life, you hope that we will meet when you are 20 and I am 18. You say you are very lonely, alone in your misery. We have endless things to talk about, endless conversations. You say in your position it is impossible to divorce, if you met me in Shangdong then it would be possible to divorce, but now it is not possible. I was willing to continue keeping you company in obscurity. At first things were good, but as time passed things changed. There were too many injustices and humiliations. Every time you sent for me, behind your back, your wife would insult me, sneering and taunting. I said I like eating duck tongue, Madam Kang Jie would say - Eww, how disgusting. In winter, Beijing has smog, so I said sometimes the air quality is not so good. Madam Kang Jie would say that's only where you live, we don't have that problem here. She said many many things like this to me, when you are around she's not like this. It's the same as when we are together, when it's just the two of us, you behave one way, when there are others around, you treat me differently. I told you before, when I keep hearing things like this I feel really terrible. From the first day I met you, I have never spent a single penny of your money, nor have I tried to derive any kind of personal benefit or advantage, but a person's status is really important. All of this is my own fault, I brought this humiliation on myself. From beginning to end, you insisted on keeping our relationship a secret, and especially not to tell my mother about our sexual relations, because she's the one who would drop me off at The North Church, where I would be picked up in your car, and allowed inside your estate. She always assumed I went to your house to play mah jong and cards. With each other, in real life, we are transparent individuals. Your wife is like an empress from Empresses in the Palace, yet I am unable to describe my unbearable life. Often I wonder if I am still a human being. I feel like a walking corpse, pretending, every day putting on an act. Which is the real me? I shouldn't have been born, but I don't have the courage to die. I want a simple life, but things don't go the way we want. On the evening of the 30th we had a huge fight, you said to come to your house on the 2nd so we can discuss things calmly. Today at noon you called me to say you are busy and will talk later, evading everything, using the excuse that you'll contact me on another day ..., just like 7 years ago you "vanished," toying with me until you get tired. You say that we never had any kind of business transaction. Yes, it's true, our feelings for each other have nothing to do with money or power. But I cannot just drop our 3 years of feelings, I cannot face it. You were always afraid I'll bring a recording device, leaving evidence or something. It's true, other than myself, I have not kept any evidence or proof. There are no audio recordings, no videos, only my own twisted real life experience. I know, with your power and status, Vice Premier Zhang Gaoli, like you said, you have nothing to fear. Even if it is throwing an egg against a rock or a moth flying into the flames, extinguishing myself, I will still tell the truth. With your intelligent and strategizing mind, you will definitely deny or refute me, it will be a mere trifle. You always say you hope your mother in heaven will bless and protect you. I'm a bad girl and not worthy of being a mother. You are a father with a son and daughter, I have asked you if I were your adopted daughter would you force her to do these things? After all you have done in this life, can you face your mother with a clear conscience? We are all so sanctimonious ...
Peng Shuai
November 2, 2021
10:07pm
我知道说不清楚，说了也没用。但还是想说出来。我是多么的虚伪不堪，我承认我不是一个好女孩，很坏很坏的女孩。大概三年前张高丽副总理你退休了，找天津网球中心的刘大夫再联系到我，约我打球，在北京的康铭大厦。上午打完球，你和妻子康洁一起带我去了你们家。然后把我带进你家的房间，和十多年前在天津时一样，要和我发生性关系。那天下午我很怕，根本没想到会是这样，一个人在外帮守着，因为谁都不可能相信老婆会愿意。七年前我们发生过一次性关系，然后你升常委去北京再没联系过我。原本埋藏了一切在心里，既然你根本不打算负责，为何还要回来找我，带我去你家逼我和你发生关系？是我没有证据，也根本不可能留下证据。后来你一直否认，可确是你先喜欢的我，否则我也不可能接触的到你。那天下午我原本没有同意一直哭，晚饭是和你还有康洁阿姨一起吃的，你说宇宙很大很大，地球就是宇宙的一粒沙，我们人类连一粒沙都没有，还说了很多很多，就是让我放下思想包袱。晚饭后我也并不愿意，你说恨我！又说你这七年从未忘记过我，会对我好等等……我又怕又慌带着七年前对你的性感同意了……是的就是我们发生性关系了。感情这东西很复杂，说不清，从那日后我再次打开了对你的爱，后来与你相处的日子里，单从你人相处你是一个很好很好的人，对我也挺好，我们从近代历史聊到远古时代，你同我讲万物的知识再谈到经济哲学，聊不完的话题。一起下棋，唱歌，打乒乓球，桌球，包括网球我们永远可以打得不亦乐乎，性格是那么的合得来好像一切都很搭。自小离家早，内心极度缺爱，面对发生这一切，我从不认为我一个好女孩，我恨我自己，恨我为什么要来到这个世界，经历这一劫。你同我说你爱我，很爱很爱，来生希望在你二十岁我十八岁时我们就遇见。你说你很孤独，一个人很可怜，我们有聊不完的天，进不完的话，你说你这个位置没有办法离婚，如果你在山东时认识，还可以离婚，可是现在没有办法。我想过默默无闻就这样陪着你，开始还好，可是日子久了慢慢的变了，太多的不公与侮辱。每次你让我去，背着你你妻子对我说过多少难听侮辱的话，各种冷嘲嘲讽。我说喜欢吃鸭舌，康洁阿姨会冲着我说～咿真恶心。冬天北京雾霾我说有时候空气不太好，康洁阿姨会对我说，那是你们郊区，我们这儿没感觉。等等诸如类似的话说了很多很多，你在时候她不这样说，好像和我们一样，两个人相处时是一个样，有旁人时你对我又是一个样。我同你说过，这些话听多了心里特别难受委屈，从认识你第一天到现在没用过你一分钱，更没通过你某去过任何利益或者好出，可名分这东西真重要。这一切我活该，自取其辱。从头到尾你都是一直让我保密和你的一切关系，更不可以告诉我妈和你有男女关系，因为每次都是她送我去西什库教堂那儿，然后换你家的车才能进院里。她一直以为我是去打麻将打牌，去你家玩。我们在彼此的生活中都是真实生活中的一个透明人，你的妻子好像甄嬛传的皇后一样，而我无法形容自己多么的不堪，很多时候我觉得我自己还是一个人吗？我觉得自己是一个行尸走肉，装，每一天都在装，哪个我才是真的我？我不该来到这个世界，可又没有勇气去死。我好想可以活的简单点，可事与愿违。30 号那天晚上争议很大，你说 2 号下午再去你家我们慢慢谈，今天中午打电话来说有事再联系，推脱一切，借口说改天再联系……，就这样和七年前一样“消失了”，玩玩想不要就不要了。你说我们之间没有任何交易，是，我们之间的感情和钱，权利没有任何关系，可这三年的感情我无处安放，难以面对。你总怕我带什么录音器，留下证据什么的。是的，除我以外我没留下证据证明，没有录音，没有录像，只有被扭曲的我的真实经历。我知道对于您位高权重的张高丽副总理来说，你说过你不怕。但即使是以卵击石，飞蛾扑火自取灭亡的我也会说出和你的事实。以你的智商某略你一定否认或者可以反扣给我，你可以如此玩世不恭。你总说希望你母亲在天可以保佑你，我是一个坏女孩不配为人母。你为人父也有儿有女，我问过你就算是你的养女你会逼她这么做吗？你今生做的这一切日后心安理得的去面对你的母亲吗？我们都很道貌岸然……
彭帅
Wǒ zhīdào shuō bu qīngchǔ, shuōle yě méi yòng. Dàn háishì xiǎng shuō chūlái. Wǒ shì duōme de xūwèi bùkān, wǒ chéngrèn wǒ bùshì yīgè hǎo nǚhái, hěn huài hěn huài de nǚhái. Dàgài sān nián qián zhāng gāolí fù zǒnglǐ nǐ tuìxiūle, zhǎo tiānjīn wǎngqiú zhōngxīn de liú dàfū zài liánxì dào wǒ, yuē wǒ dǎqiú, zài běijīng de kāng míng dàshà. Shàngwǔ dǎ wán qiú, nǐ hé qīzi kāng jié yīqǐ dài wǒ qùle nǐmen jiā. Ránhòu bǎ wǒ dài jìn nǐ jiā de fángjiān, hé shí duō nián qián zài tiānjīn shí yīyàng, yào hé wǒ fāshēng xìng guānxì. Nèitiān xiàwǔ wǒ hěn pà, gēnběn méi xiǎngdào huì shì zhèyàng, yīgèrén zàiwài bāng shǒuzhe, yīnwèi shéi dōu bù kěnéng xiāngxìn lǎopó huì yuànyì. Qī nián qián wǒmen fāshēngguò yīcì xìng guānxì, ránhòu nǐ shēng chángwěi qù běijīng zài méi liánxìguò wǒ. Yuánběn máicángle yīqiè zài xīnlǐ, jìrán nǐ gēnběn bù dǎsuàn fùzé, wèihé hái yào huílái zhǎo wǒ, dài wǒ qù nǐ jiā bī wǒ hé nǐ fāshēng guānxì? Shì wǒ méiyǒu zhèngjù, yě gēnběn bù kěnéng liú xià zhèngjù. Hòulái nǐ yīzhí fǒurèn, kě què shì nǐ xiān xǐhuān de wǒ, fǒuzé wǒ yě bù kěnéng jiēchù de dào nǐ. Nèitiān xiàwǔ wǒ yuánběn méiyǒu tóngyì yīzhí kū, wǎnfàn shì hé nǐ hái yǒu kāng jié āyí yīqǐ chī de, nǐ shuō yǔzhòu hěn dà hěn dà, dìqiú jiùshì yǔzhòu de yī lì shā, wǒmen rénlèi lián yī lì shā dōu méiyǒu, hái shuōle hěnduō hěnduō, jiùshì ràng wǒ fàngxià sīxiǎng bāofú. Wǎnfàn hòu wǒ yě bìng bù yuànyì, nǐ shuō hèn wǒ! Yòu shuō nǐ zhè qī nián cóng wèi wàngjìguò wǒ, huì duì wǒ hǎo děng děng……wǒ yòu pà yòu huāng dàizhe qī nián qián duì nǐ dì xìnggǎn tóngyìle……shì de jiùshì wǒmen fāshēng xìng guānxìle. Gǎnqíng zhè dōngxī hěn fùzá, shuō bu qīng, cóng nà rìhòu wǒ zàicì dǎkāile duì nǐ de ài, hòulái yǔ nǐ xiāngchǔ de rìzi lǐ, dān cóng nǐ rén xiāngchǔ nǐ shì yīgè hěn hǎo hěn hǎo de rén, duì wǒ yě tǐng hǎo, wǒmen cóng jìndài lìshǐ liáo dào yuǎngǔ shídài, nǐ tóng wǒ jiǎng wànwù de zhīshì zài tán dào jīngjì zhéxué, liáo bù wán dehuàtí. Yīqǐ xià qí, chànggē, dǎ pīngpāng qiú, zhuōqiú, bāokuò wǎngqiú wǒmen yǒngyuǎn kěyǐ dǎ dé bù yì lè hū, xìnggé shì nàme de hédélái hǎoxiàng yīqiè dōu hěn dā. Zì xiǎo lí jiā zǎo, nèixīn jídù quē ài, miàn duì fāshēng zhè yīqiè, wǒ cóng bù rènwéi wǒ yīgè hǎo nǚhái, wǒ hèn wǒ zìjǐ, hèn wǒ wèishéme yào lái dào zhège shìjiè, jīnglì zhè yī jié. Nǐ tóng wǒ shuō nǐ ài wǒ, hěn ài hěn ài, láishēng xīwàng zài nǐ èrshí suì wǒ shíbā suì shí wǒmen jiù yùjiàn. Nǐ shuō nǐ hěn gūdú, yīgè rén hěn kělián, wǒmen yǒu liáo bù wán de tiān, jìn bù wán dehuà, nǐ shuō nǐ zhège wèizhì méiyǒu bànfǎ líhūn, rúguǒ nǐ zài shāndōng shí rènshí, hái kěyǐ líhūn, kěshì xiànzài méiyǒu bànfǎ. Wǒ xiǎngguò mòmòwúwén jiù zhèyàng péizhe nǐ, kāishǐ hái hǎo, kěshì rìzi jiǔle màn man de biànle, tài duō de bùgōng yǔ wǔrǔ. Měi cì nǐ ràng wǒ qù, bèizhe nǐ nǐ qīzi duì wǒ shuōguò duōshǎo nántīng wǔrǔ dehuà, gè zhǒng lěng cháo cháofèng. Wǒ shuō xǐhuān chī yā shé, kāng jié āyí huì chōngzhe wǒ shuō ~yī zhēn ěxīn. Dōngtiān běijīng wù mái wǒ shuō yǒu shíhòu kōngqì bù tài hǎo, kāng jié āyí huì duì wǒ shuō, nà shì nǐmen jiāoqū, wǒmen zhè'er méi gǎnjué. Děng děng zhūrú lèisì de huà shuōle hěnduō hěnduō, nǐ zài shíhòu tā bù zhèyàng shuō, hǎoxiàng hé wǒmen yīyàng, liǎng gè rén xiāngchǔ shí shì yīgè yàng, yǒu pángrén shí nǐ duì wǒ yòu shì yīgè yàng. Wǒ tóng nǐ shuōguò, zhèxiē huà tīng duōle xīnlǐ tèbié nánshòu wěiqu, cóng rènshí nǐ dì yītiān dào xiànzài méi yòngguò nǐ yī fēn qián, gèng méi tōngguò nǐ mǒu qùguò rènhé lìyì huòzhě hào chū, kě míng fèn zhè dōngxī zhēn zhòngyào. Zhè yīqiè wǒ huógāi, zì qǔ qí rǔ. Cóngtóu dào wěi nǐ dōu shì yīzhí ràng wǒ bǎomì hé nǐ de yīqiè guānxì, gèng bù kěyǐ gàosù wǒ mā hé nǐ yǒu nánnǚ guānxì, yīnwèi měi cì dōu shì tā sòng wǒ qù xī shén kù jiàotáng nà'er, ránhòu huàn nǐ jiā de chē cáinéng jìn yuàn lǐ. Tā yīzhí yǐwéi wǒ shì qù dǎ májiàng dǎpái, qù nǐ jiā wán. Wǒmen zài bǐcǐ de shēnghuó zhōng dōu shì zhēnshí shēnghuó zhōng de yīgè tòumíng rén, nǐ de qīzi hǎoxiàng zhēnhuán chuán de huánghòu yīyàng, ér wǒ wúfǎ xíngróng zìjǐ duōme de bùkān, hěnduō shíhòu wǒ juédé wǒ zìjǐ háishì yīgè rén ma? Wǒ juédé zìjǐ shì yīgè xíngshīzǒuròu, zhuāng, měi yī tiān dū zài zhuāng, nǎge wǒ cái shì zhēn de wǒ? Wǒ bù gāi lái dào zhège shìjiè, kě yòu méiyǒu yǒngqì qù sǐ. Wǒ hǎo xiǎng kěyǐ huó de jiǎndān diǎn, kě shìyǔyuànwéi.30 Hào nèitiān wǎnshàng zhēngyì hěn dà, nǐ shuō 2 hào xiàwǔ zài qù nǐ jiā wǒmen màn man tán, jīntiān zhōngwǔ dǎ diànhuà lái shuō yǒushì zài liánxì, tuītuō yīqiè, jièkǒu shuō gǎitiān zài liánxì……, jiù zhèyàng hé qī nián qián yīyàng “xiāoshīle”, wán wán xiǎng bùyào jiù bùyàole. Nǐ shuō wǒmen zhī jiān méiyǒu rènhé jiāoyì, shì, wǒmen zhī jiān de gǎnqíng hé qián, quánlì méiyǒu rènhé guānxì, kě zhè sān nián de gǎnqíng wǒ wú chù ānfàng, nányǐ miàn duì. Nǐ zǒng pà wǒ dài shénme lùyīn qì, liú xià zhèngjù shénme de. Shì de, chú wǒ yǐwài wǒ méi liú xià zhèngjù zhèngmíng, méiyǒu lùyīn, méiyǒu lùxiàng, zhǐyǒu bèi niǔqū de wǒ de zhēnshí jīnglì. Wǒ zhīdào duìyú nín wèi gāo quánzhòng de zhāng gāolí fù zǒnglǐ lái shuō, nǐ shuōguò nǐ bùpà. Dàn jíshǐ shì yǐluǎnjīshí, fēi é pū huǒ zì qǔ mièwáng de wǒ yě huì shuō chū hé nǐ de shìshí. Yǐ nǐ de zhìshāng mǒu lüè nǐ yīdìng fǒurèn huòzhě kěyǐ fǎn kòu gěi wǒ, nǐ kěyǐ rúcǐ wánshìbùgōng. Nǐ zǒng shuō xīwàng nǐ mǔqīn zài tiān kěyǐ bǎoyòu nǐ, wǒ shì yīgè huài nǚhái bùpèi wéirén mǔ. Nǐ wéirén fù yěyǒu er yǒu nǚ, wǒ wènguò nǐ jiùsuàn shì nǐ de yǎngnǚ nǐ huì bī tā zhème zuò ma? Nǐ jīnshēng zuò de zhè yīqiè rìhòu xīn'ānlǐdé de qù miàn duì nǐ de mǔqīn ma? Wǒmen dōu hěn dàomào'ànrán……
Péng Shuài
Translator 译者: 鸑岚朠 Yuè LánYīng
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