虏殉《狗的心理治疗》
Lǔ Xùn “gǒu de xīnlǐ zhìliáo”
Dog Therapy by Lu Xun¹
最近还有极有结晶的网飞节目，是著名狗语者塞萨尔米兰现场直播，亚马逊黄金会员视频上没有，刚好是在劫孵 • 㾱䞽澌第一次上火箭的那一天，给我们讲“狗的心理治疗”。可惜我没有钱付不了网飞基本月租费。我也很内向，所以也没有广交四海朋友群，没有人肯让我用他们的网飞帐户。早上刷牙时，在国家公共广播电台播客上只听见只言片语的总结。但在那里面，就已经够多着透骨的话了——
Zuìjìn hái yǒu jí yǒu jiéjīng de wǎng fēi jiémù, shì zhùmíng gǒu yǔ zhě sāi sà ěr mǐlán xiànchǎng zhíbò, yàmǎxùn huángjīn huìyuán shìpín shàng méiyǒu, gānghǎo shì zài jié fū • bèi suǒ sī dì yī cì shàng huǒjiàn dì nà yītiān, gěi wǒmen jiǎng “gǒu de xīnlǐ zhìliáo”. Kěxí wǒ méiyǒu qián fù bùliǎo wǎng fēi jīběn yuè zū fèi. Wǒ yě hěn nèixiàng, suǒyǐ yě méiyǒu guǎng jiāo sìhǎi péngyǒu qún, méiyǒu rén kěn ràng wǒ yòng tāmen de wǎng fēi zhànghù. Zǎoshang shuāyá shí, zài guójiā gōnggòng guǎngbò diàntái bòkè shàng zhǐ tīngjiàn zhīyánpiànyǔ de zǒngjié. Dàn zài nà lǐmiàn, jiù yǐjīng gòu duōzhe tòu gǔ dehuàle—
Recently there was an extremely fruitful Netflix program, a live broadcast by the famous dog whisperer César Millán, it’s not available on Amazon Prime, it happened to be on the day Jeff Bezos² went on the rocket for the first time, speaking on the topic of dog therapy. Unfortunately, I am poor and cannot afford Netflix’s monthly fee. I am also very introverted, so I don’t have numerous friends from around the world, no one is willing to let me use their Netflix account. In the morning, while brushing my teeth, I heard about it on an NPR podcast, just a couple of sentences here and there, which was already enough to penetrate me to the bone.
“有人以为养母狗是为了看家产仔，但公狗通过训练可以当牧犬、猎犬、导盲犬、并可以加入雪橇犬队。母狗应该尽早交配，也不需要特别训练，那便错了，因为这是从前被孔子洗脑的机器人养狗的做法，现在养狗的做法，便不是这样。”
“Yǒurén yǐwéi yǎngmǔgǒu shì wèile kān jiāchǎn zǐ, dàn gōng gǒu tōngguò xùnliàn kěyǐ dāng mù quǎn, lièquǎn, dǎo máng quǎn, bìng kěyǐ jiārù xuěqiāo quǎn duì. Mǔ gǒu yīnggāi jǐnzǎo jiāopèi, yě bù xūyào tèbié xùnliàn, nà biàn cuòle, yīnwèi zhè shì cóngqián bèi kǒngzǐ xǐnǎo de jīqìrén yǎng gǒu de zuòfǎ, xiànzài yǎng gǒu de zuòfǎ, biàn bùshì zhèyàng.”
"Some people believe that the purpose of raising female dogs is to guard the house and have puppies. However male dogs, through training, can become sheep dogs, hunting dogs, seeing-eye dogs, and can even be part of a dog sled team. Female dogs should be bred as soon as possible and do not require any special training. This is wrong. This is how Confucian brainwashed robots used to raise dogs and is no longer the accepted method."
“现在我们所用的养狗法，是给公母平等自由。母狗不一定根据主人的意愿交配，可以自由选择，也可以选择不交配。主人允许它们自由参加培训，想学什么都可以，所以母狗长大能当警犬、消防犬、机场安检犬等。……”
“Xiànzài wǒmen suǒyòng de yǎng gǒu fǎ, shì gěi gōng mu píngděng zìyóu. Mǔgǒu bù yīdìng gēnjù zhǔrén de yìyuàn jiāopèi, kěyǐ zìyóu xuǎnzé, yě kěyǐ xuǎn zhái bu jiāopèi. Zhǔrén yǔnxǔ tāmen zìyóu cānjiā péixùn, xiǎng xué shénme dōu kěyǐ, suǒyǐ mǔgǒu zhǎng dà néng dāng jǐngquǎn, xiāofáng quǎn, jīchǎng ānjiǎn quǎn děng.……”
"The current method of raising dogs is based on dog gender equality. Female dogs do not have to mate according to their master's wishes, they can freely choose their mate or can choose not to mate at all. Masters also allow them to attend training, so female dogs can grow up to become police dogs, fire dogs, airport security dogs, etc...."
虽然塞萨尔米兰是墨西哥人，但他还引用我们先哲陕西细狗武子的古训，也是十分值得再听一听。众人都知道武子的故事。可是有可能年轻人还没有听说过，所以我提供简介。它还没长成时，主人强迫将它与一条下司狗交配。武子不但没有遵守主人的命令，反而咬死了那条下司狗，还跟一条俄国狼狗逃跑。它甚至私自学实分析，在东北大学暗地旁听，还没有学完被主人找到，毙了。临死以前说道：“若成为守寡是母狗得到自主权的唯一行道，那谋杀不就是道行”。可惜兰摧玉折。但它的牺牲给我们带来了母狗自由交配的法律，成为武法。
Suīrán sāi sà ěr mǐlán shì mòxīgē rén, dàn tā hái yǐnyòng wǒmen xiānzhé shǎnxī xì gǒu wǔzi de gǔxùn, yěshì shífēn zhídé zài tīng yī tīng. Zhòngrén dōu zhīdào wǔzi de gùshì. Kěshì yǒu kěnéng niánqīng rén hái méiyǒu tīng shuōguò, suǒyǐ wǒ tígōng jiǎnjiè. Tā hái méi zhǎng chéng shí, zhǔrén qiǎngpò jiāng tā yǔ yītiáo xiàsī gǒu jiāopèi. Wǔzi bùdàn méiyǒu zūnshǒu zhǔrén de mìnglìng, fǎn'ér yǎo sǐle nà tiáo xiàsī gǒu, hái gēn yītiáo éguó lánggǒu táopǎo. Tā shènzhì sī zìxué shí fēnxī, zài dōngběi dàxué àn dì pángtīng, hái méiyǒu xué wán bèi zhǔrén zhǎodào, bìle. Lín sǐ yǐqián shuōdao:“Ruò chéngwéi shǒuguǎ shì mǔgǒu dédào zìzhǔ quán de wéiyī xíngdào, nà móushā bù jiùshì dàohéng”. Kěxí lán cuī yù zhé. Dàn tā de xīshēng gěi wǒmen dài láile mǔgǒu zìyóu jiāopèi de fǎlǜ, chéngwéi wǔfǎ.
Although César Millán is Mexican, he quoted the ancient teachings of our revered philosopher, the Shaanxi Xi Hound, WuZi, which is worth hearing again. Everyone knows WuZi’s story, however there may be some young people who have not yet heard it, so I will give a brief summary. Before she was fully grown, her master tried to force her to mate with a Xiasi dog. Not only did WuZi not follow orders, she killed the Xiasi dog, and ran off with a Russian Wolfhound. She even secretly studied real analysis³, furtively listening in on lectures at Northeastern University. She was found by her master before she could finish her studies and was slain. With her last breath, she said, “If widowhood is a female dog’s only path to power, then murder is a professional skill.⁴” So unfortunate for such a talent to be nipped in the bud! However her sacrifice has brought us the Law of Wu, which stipulates that female dogs are free to choose their mating partners.
武子
WuZi
也提起那高洁拉薩狗则子，按照武法它自由选择跟同类交配，主人也很例外地宽容，允许它去培训，唯一为难的是主人规定它先交配后培训。刚开始学医就生了一窝小狗，同时照顾小狗、看家、学习太累了最后没有学完就放弃了。则子是第一条考进医学院的狗，学医为了新造安全、平价、有效避孕药给公狗可以停止精子的生殖力。虽然它没有成功可是它启发了许都小狗继续按照它的方法发展，发扬避孕用具研究，所以我们现在公狗普遍用的踯殖药来源于则子。起初主人们都反对避孕用具，但是母狗在公狗的食物里偷偷地下踯殖药，这样提高了母子生活水平，公狗就开始自愿吃踯殖药，主人也无可奈何。则子唯一小公狗的孙子的主人当了法官批准了法律，主人不能规定交配时期，成为则法。文明狗认为“质量胜于数量”。
Yě tíqǐ nà gāojié lāsà gǒu zé zi, ànzhào wǔfǎ tā zìyóu xuǎnzé gēn tónglèi jiāopèi, zhǔrén yě hěn lìwài dì kuānróng, yǔnxǔ tā qù péixùn, wéiyī wéinán de shì zhǔrén guīdìng tā xiān jiāopèi hòu péixùn. Gāng kāishǐ xué yī jiù shēngle yī wō xiǎo gǒu, tóngshí zhàogù xiǎo gǒu, kān jiā, xuéxí tài lèile zuìhòu méiyǒu xué wán jiù fàngqìle. Zé zi shì dì yī tiáo kǎo jìn yīxué yuàn de gǒu, xué yī wèile xīnzào ānquán, píngjià, yǒuxiào bìyùn yào gěi gōng gǒu kěyǐ tíngzhǐ jīngzǐ de shēngzhí lì. Suīrán tā méiyǒu chénggōng kěshì tā qǐfāle xǔ dū xiǎo gǒu jìxù ànzhào tā de fāngfǎ fāzhǎn, fāyáng bìyùn yòngjù yánjiū, suǒyǐ wǒmen xiànzài gōng gǒu pǔbiàn yòng de zhí zhí yào láiyuán yú zé zi. Qǐchū zhǔrénmen dōu fǎnduì bìyùn yòngjù, dànshì mǔgǒu zài gōng gǒu de shíwù lǐ tōutōu dìxià zhí zhí yào, zhèyàng tígāole mǔzǐ shēnghuó shuǐpíng, gōng gǒu jiù kāishǐ zìyuàn chī zhí zhí yào, zhǔrén yě wúkěnàihé. Zé zi wéiyī xiǎo gōng gǒu de sūnzi de zhǔrén dāngle fǎguān pīzhǔnle fǎlǜ, zhǔrén bùnéng guīdìng jiāopèi shíqí, chéngwéi zé fǎ. Wénmíng gǒu rènwéi “zhìliàng shèng yú shùliàng”.
Also mentioned was the noble and virtuous Lhasa Apso, ZeZi. In accordance with the Law of Wu, ZeZi freely chose a mating partner of the same breed. Her master was exceptionally generous, allowing her to attend training. The only hitch was her master insisted she mate first and train after. Just as she started medical school, she had her first litter of puppies. Simultaneously attending to her litter, guarding the house, and going to school was too exhausting so she gave up on finishing medical school. ZeZi is the very first dog to be admitted to medical school. She wanted to study medicine to create a new, safe, affordable, and effective contraceptive pill for male dogs to control sperm fertility. Although ZeZi was unsuccessful, she inspired many puppies to continue developing her methods, expanding contraceptives research. So now the commonly used Stop Sperm Pill, taken by male dogs, originates from ZeZi. Initially the masters were against contraceptives, but the female dogs covertly put Stop Sperm Pill into the male dogs' food. This helped to raise the standard of living for female dogs and puppies, so the male dogs started taking it voluntarily, and the masters eventually gave in. ZeZi’s only male puppy’s grandson’s master became a judge and passed a law forbidding masters from controlling mating time, this is called Law of Ze. Civilized dogs believe in “quality over quantity.”
则子
ZeZi
当然不能省略圣贤西施狗天子。从小天子爱上了一条美国可卡狗，主人不能接受异类交配就谎报天子出意外，叫美国可卡狗赶快来帮忙，美国可卡狗极快跑到，主人一棒打死，又报警说那美国可卡狗是闯入房子强奸天子。虽然主人违法可是天子怕说出真相让人难以置信，要是信了它也恐怕无家可归。天子觉得法院里需要母狗律师代表，就下定决心一心要当第一条母狗律师。尽管主人妨碍，历尽千辛万苦，天子不但当了律师它也最终成为第一条母狗联邦最高法院法官。建立的第一条定律是母狗可以自由选择教育和职业，成为天法。终于达成心愿，天子就开始想要成家可是公狗喜欢青年母狗，它就成为所谓的剩母狗，因此“母狗班胜、变圣、必剩”，是以它孤独了一辈子。
Dāngrán bùnéng shěnglüè shèngxián xīshī gǒu tiānzǐ. Cóngxiǎo tiānzǐ ài shàngle yītiáo měiguó kě kǎ gǒu, zhǔrén bùnéng jiēshòu yìlèi jiāopèi jiù huǎngbào tiānzǐ chū yìwài, jiào měiguó kě kǎ gǒu gǎnkuài lái bāngmáng, měiguó kě kǎ gǒu jí kuài pǎo dào, zhǔrén yī bàng dǎ sǐ, yòu bàojǐng shuō nà měiguó kě kǎ gǒu shì chuǎng rù fángzi qiángjiān tiānzǐ. Suīrán zhǔrén wéifǎ kěshì tiānzǐ pà shuō chū zhēnxiàng ràng rén nányǐ zhìxìn, yàoshi xìnle tā yě kǒngpà wú jiā kě guī. Tiānzǐ juédé fǎyuàn lǐ xūyào mǔgǒu lǜshī dàibiǎo, jiù xiàdìng juéxīn yīxīn yào dāng dì yī tiáo mǔgǒu lǜshī. Jǐnguǎn zhǔrén fáng'ài, lìjìn qiān xīn wàn kǔ, tiānzǐ bùdàn dāngle lǜshī tā yě zuìzhōng chéngwéi dì yī tiáo mǔgǒu liánbāng zuìgāo fǎyuàn fǎguān. Jiànlì de dì yī tiáo dìnglǜ shì mǔgǒu kěyǐ zìyóu xuǎnzé jiàoyù hé zhíyè, chéngwéi tiān fǎ. Zhōngyú dáchéng xīnyuàn, tiānzǐ jiù kāishǐ xiǎng yào chéngjiā kěshì gōng gǒu xǐhuān qīngnián mǔgǒu, tā jiù chéngwéi suǒwèi de shèng mǔgǒu, yīncǐ “mǔgǒu bān shèng, biàn shèng, bì shèng”, shì yǐ tā gūdúle yībèizi.
Of course we cannot omit the venerable Shih Tzu sage, TianZi⁵. From a young age, TianZi fell in love with an American Cocker Spaniel, however her master does not believe in crossbreeding. Her master lied to the American Cocker Spaniel, telling him to come quickly because TianZi had an accident. He ran panting to the scene, only to be clubbed to death in one blow. The master then called the police saying that the American Cocker Spaniel broke in to rape TianZi. Although it was against the law, TianZi was afraid that no one would believe her if she told the truth, and was even more afraid that if she was believed then she would be homeless. TianZi felt that the courts needed female dog lawyer representatives, so TianZi was determined to become the very first female dog lawyer. Despite her master’s interference, overcoming many trials and tribulations, TianZi not only became a lawyer she also became the first female dog Supreme Court Justice. Her first decree was for female dogs to freely choose their education and career path, this is called Law of Tian. Having finally achieved her dreams, TianZi felt that it was time to settle down and raise a family. However male dogs are only interested in young female dogs, so she became a so called leftover bitch⁶: “high wage, hereafter sage, hermit in old age.” Thus, she lived her entire life alone.
天子
TianZi
这三个定律武法、则法、天法缩写为武则天法。虽然武则天法提高生活水平，但是有了武则天法以后，母狗的日子变得更艰难了。
Zhè sān gè dìnglǜ wǔfǎ, zé fǎ, tiān fǎ suōxiě wèi wǔzétiān fǎ. Suīrán wǔzétiān fǎ tígāo shēnghuó shuǐpíng, dànshì yǒule wǔzétiān fǎ yǐhòu, mǔgǒu de rìzi biàn dé gèng jiānnánle.
These three laws together, Law of Wu, Law of Ze, and Law of Tian, are abbreviated as the Wu ZeTian⁷ Law. Although the Wu ZeTian Law raised the standard of living, life became even more difficult for female dogs.
林四阳第一次偶然在肮脏黑暗胡同里遇到囡乸。最初林四阳以为那是一堆垃圾，所以囡乸一动他就惊跳起来——
Lín sì yáng dì yī cì ǒurán zài āng zāng hēi'àn hútòng lǐ yù dào nān nǎ. Zuìchū lín sì yáng yǐwéi nà shì yī duī lèsè, suǒyǐ nān nǎ yīdòng tā jiù jīng tiào qǐlái—
Lin SiYang⁸ met Nanna, by chance, for the first time in a dark dirty alley. At first, Lin SiYang thought it was a pile of trash, so when Nanna moved, he was startled.
“你吓我一跳！”
“Nǐ xià wǒ yī tiào!”
“You scared me!”
“对不起啊，我好累，在路边休息一下。”
“Duìbùqǐ a, wǒ hǎo lèi, zài lù biān xiūxí yīxià.”
“Sorry, I’m tired and wanted to rest by the roadside.”
“那就不打扰了。” 这条中国冠毛狗看起来瘦骨嶙峋，林四阳要转头走的时候觉得心里不安应该帮帮才对。
“Nà jiù bù dǎrǎole.” Zhè tiáo zhōngguó guān máo gǒu kàn qǐlái shòugǔlínxún, lín sì yáng yào zhuǎn tóu zǒu de shíhòu juédé xīnlǐ bù'ān yīnggāi bāng bāng cái duì.
“Then I won’t disturb you.” This Chinese Crested dog was just skin and bones. Lin SiYang was about to leave but felt bad, so decided to stay and help.
“你有什么需要帮助的吗？”
“Nǐ yǒu shé me xūyào bāngzhù de ma?”
”Do you need any assistance?”
“谢谢，没有什么只是想在安静的地方歇一歇。”
“Xièxiè, méiyǒu shé me zhǐshì xiǎng zài ānjìng dì dìfāng xiē yī xiē.”
“No, I’m alright. I just wanted a quiet place to rest. Thanks!”
“我家就在街对面，不如在我那儿休息。”
“Wǒjiā jiù zài jiē duìmiàn, bùrú zài wǒ nà'er xiūxí.”
“My home is just across the street, why not rest there instead?”
“不必了，小狗们还在等着我呢。”
“Bùbìle, xiǎo gǒumen hái zài děngzhe wǒ ne.”
“No, thanks, my puppies are still waiting for me.”
没几天，林四阳又遇到囡乸在那胡同里，这次也是热情地邀请囡乸去他家休息。碰见了好几回之后林四阳终于得到了囡乸的信任，就渐渐地了解囡乸的情况——
Méi jǐ tiān, lín sì yáng yòu yù dào nān nǎ zài nà hútòng lǐ, zhè cì yěshì rèqíng de yāoqǐng nān nǎ qù tā jiā xiūxí. Pèngjiànle hǎojǐ huí zhīhòu lín sì yáng zhōngyú dédàole nān nǎ de xìnrèn, jiù jiànjiàn de liǎojiě nān nǎ de qíngkuàng—
After a few days, Lin SiYang ran into Nanna in the same alley. Again, he offered his heartfelt hospitality. After meeting like this several times, Lin SiYang finally gained her trust and came to better understand her life.
“主人说，公狗、交配时期、培训、职业都是我自选的，我还有什么渴望的。是，一开始觉得自己很幸福，可是我要养小狗、照顾公狗、伺候主人、看家、工作、晚上还上夜课想获得硕士学位。上班时候脑子里一直担心小狗们出事，回到家里老板不停地打电话，到晚上已经累的不行了还要急忙赶着去上课。我一个星期工作六十多小时经常加班，回家公狗抱怨饭做得不好吃，小狗们经常打架。我就没有一个安静的地方休息。”
“Zhǔrén shuō, gōng gǒu, jiāopèi shíqí, péixùn, zhíyè dōu shì wǒ zìxuǎn de, wǒ hái yǒu shé me kěwàng de. Shì, yī kāishǐ juédé zìjǐ hěn xìngfú, kěshì wǒ yào yǎng xiǎo gǒu, zhàogù gōng gǒu, cìhòu zhǔrén, kān jiā, gōngzuò, wǎnshàng hái shàng yè kè xiǎng huòdé shuòshì xuéwèi. Shàngbān shíhòu nǎozi lǐ yīzhí dānxīn xiǎo gǒumen chūshì, huí dào jiālǐ lǎobǎn bù tíng de dǎ diànhuà, dào wǎnshàng yǐjīng lèi de bùxíngle hái yào jímáng gǎnzhe qù shàngkè. Wǒ yīgè xīngqí gōngzuò liùshí duō xiǎoshí jīngcháng jiābān, huí jiā gōng gǒu bàoyuàn fàn zuò dé bù hào chī, xiǎo gǒumen jīngcháng dǎjià. Wǒ jiù méiyǒu yīgè ānjìng dì dìfāng xiūxí.”
“Master said, I picked my own partner, mating season, training, and career, so what more do I want? Yes, I did feel very fortunate at first, but now I have to raise the puppies, take care of my mate, serve my master, guard the house, work, and at night I’m taking classes to earn my Master’s degree. At work, my mind is constantly worrying about my puppies. At home, my boss keeps calling me nonstop. In the evening, I’m exhausted but I have to rush to make it to class on time. I work over 60 hours a week, often working overtime. When I get home my mate tells me my cooking is terrible and my puppies fight all the time. I just want a quiet place to rest.”
囡乸开始经常到林四阳家去诉苦。有一天囡乸进门就大哭一场，抽抽噎噎地说不出话来，它被公狗抛弃了，公狗觉得它不够性感，另找了一条比它年轻漂亮的母狗。就这样，林四阳成为第一位狗的心理医生。他分析囡乸心里渴望的是喜爱、赏识、尊敬。
Nān nǎ kāishǐ jīngcháng dào lín sì yáng jiā qù sùkǔ. Yǒu yītiān nān nǎ jìnmén jiù dà kū yī chǎng, chōu chou yē yē de shuō bu chū huà lái, tā bèi gōng gǒu pāoqìle, gōng gǒu juédé tā bùgòu xìnggǎn, lìng zhǎole yītiáo bǐ tā niánqīng piàoliang de mǔgǒu. Jiù zhèyàng, lín sì yáng chéngwéi dì yī wèi gǒu de xīnlǐ yīshēng. Tā fēnxī nān nǎ xīnlǐ kěwàng de shì xǐ'ài, shǎngshì, zūnjìng.
Nanna began frequently visiting Lin SiYang to vent. One day she came in and burst out crying, she was sobbing so hard she couldn’t speak. Her partner left her because she wasn’t sexy enough and found a younger prettier female dog. Just like this, Lin SiYang became the first dog therapist. He concluded that Nanna’s deepest desire is to be cherished, appreciated, and respected.
林四阳和囡乸宣传先进惊人的想法，“公母共同养娃看家”。更令人惊恐的是狗与主人平起平坐的想法。主人花钱养狗从小到大就是为了人年迈体衰有个陪伴，怎么能让狗在同桌吃饭。林四阳和囡乸发起鑫䇋革命。林四阳不幸被反对派俘虏以身殉职。囡乸得到人的身份改名叫石伍枚。
Lín sì yáng hé nān nǎ xuānchuán xiānjìn jīngrén de xiǎngfǎ,“gōng mu gòngtóng yǎng wá kān jiā”. Gèng lìng rén jīngkǒng de shì gǒu yǔ zhǔrén píngqǐpíngzuò de xiǎngfǎ. Zhǔrén huā qián yǎng gǒu cóngxiǎo dào dà jiùshì wèile rén niánmài tǐ shuāi yǒu gè péibàn, zěnme néng ràng gǒu zài tóng zhuō chīfàn. Lín sì yáng hé nān nǎ fāqǐ xīn hài gémìng. Lín sì yáng bùxìng bèi fǎnduì pài fúlǔ yǐ shēn xùnzhí. Nān nǎ dédào rén de shēnfèn gǎimíng jiào shí wǔ méi.
Lin SiYang and Nanna started to push forth a progressive and shocking idea that male and female dogs both raise the puppies and guard the house together. Even more alarming is the idea that dogs and masters are equals. Masters spend money to raise puppies for the sole purpose of having companionship in old age⁹. How can a dog and master eat at the same table? Lin SiYang and Nanna ignited the XinHai¹⁰ Revolution. Sadly, Lin SiYang was captured by the opposition and died¹¹ in the line of duty. Nanna, after receiving her right to humanhood, changed her name to Shi WuMei¹².
石伍枚
Shi WuMei
然而这是历史，我不觉得也可以包括现代。母狗现在有投票权，可以成为总统。
Rán'ér zhè shì lìshǐ, wǒ bù juédé yě kěyǐ bāokuò xiàndài. Mǔgǒu xiànzài yǒu tóupiào quán, kěyǐ chéngwéi zǒngtǒng.
Of course, this is all history, I don’t believe it extends to the current times. Now, female dogs have the right to vote and can become president.
塞萨尔米兰现场直播之后，听说还有广告，推销“小狗零食”及“电动狗围栏”等，播客上当然不会提到这些，不为人知，否则，我担心也会很有意思。
Sāi sà ěr mǐlán xiànchǎng zhíbò zhīhòu, tīng shuō hái yǒu guǎnggào, tuīxiāo “xiǎo gǒu língshí” jí “diàndòng gǒu wéilán” děng, bòkè shàng dàng rán bù huì tí dào zhèxiē, bù wéi rénzhī, fǒuzé, wǒ dānxīn yě huì hěn yǒuyìsi.
After César Millán’s live broadcast, I heard there were some commercials, selling doggie treats and electric dog fences, etc. The NPR podcast, of course, did not mention the details, no one knows, otherwise, I’m worried that it will also be very interesting.
二零二一年十月二十二日
Èr líng èryī nián shí yuè èrshí'èr rì
October 22, 2021
¹This is a parody of 鲁迅《野兽训练法》How to Train Wild Beasts by Lu Xun. The name of the original writer means Crass Fast. The name of the parody writer sounds exactly like the name of the original writer but it means Captured Killed.
²Although it is written in Chinese to sound like Jeff Bezos's name, the meaning is Plunder Breeding Incurable Disease Lying Stiff Drained Dry.
³Amalie Emmy Noether was a German mathematician, described by Albert Einstein as the most important woman in the history of mathematics. Women were excluded from academic positions, so she worked at the Mathematical Institute of Erlangen without pay for seven years. In 1915, she was allowed to teach but only under the name of a male mathematician, who admitted that she was more brilliant. Noether moved to the United States in 1933 and taught at Bryn Mawr College in Pennsylvania.
⁴This is a paraphrasing of Gloria Steinem's original quote, “Men should think twice before making widowhood women's only path to power.”
⁵TianZi is an alternate word for Emperor and literally means "Son of Heaven."
⁶The derogatory term "leftover women" 剩女 refers to Chinese women who remain unmarried after age 27.
⁷Wu ZeTian was the only legitimate female sovereign in the history of China. She ruled as the Emperor during the Tang Dynasty. Under her 40 year reign, China expanded, court corruption was reduced, its culture and economy were revitalized, and China became recognized as one of the great powers of the world.
⁸Lin SiYang is a pun rhyming with the name Lin SiNiang 林四娘, who was a swordswoman during the late Ming Dynasty. The feudal lord of Qingzhou asked her to teach martial arts to all the concubines, so Lin SiNiang taught them and established an all female army. When the feudal lord was captured by rebel forces, Lin SiNiang and her army rescued him. Unfortunately, Lin SiNiang and her women died in battle.
⁹On May 31, 2021 China made the decision to permit couples to have up to three children, due to the 2020 census showing a slowing birth rate and increasingly aging population. China's one-child policy was introduced in 1979 limiting couples to a single offspring, as the country tried to address overpopulation and alleviate poverty.
¹⁰The XinHai Revolution of 1911 辛亥革命 ended China's last imperial dynasty, the Qing Dynasty, and led to the establishment of the Republic of China. The words used in this essay sound exactly the same as XinHai, however the meaning is Prosperity God.
¹¹The words in this sentence "captured" and "died" are the exact same words used as the name of the parody writer, Captured Killed, and are homophones to the original writer's name, Lu Xun.
¹²Wu Mei 伍枚 is one of the legendary Five Elders in Shaolin martial arts, surviving the destruction of the Shaolin Temple during the Qing Dynasty. After fleeing to White Crane Temple, Wu Mei encountered a fifteen year old girl who was on the run from a forced marriage. She taught the girl how to defend herself using a style that could be learned quickly and didn’t require great physical strength.
If the first word of Shi WuMei's name is combined with the last word of Lin SiYang's name it forms the name ShiYang 石阳, which is the name of the most successful pirate in history. At the peak of ShiYang's reign, she commanded a fleet of over 300 ships, staffed by 20,000 to 40,000 pirates. Through a series of political maneuvers, she entered into conflict with the British and Portuguese empires as well as the reigning Qing Dynasty, out of which she exited triumphant. She was depicted in the film Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.
Translator 译者: 鸑岚朠 Yuè LánYīng
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